Tag Archives: kissing

Diary of a Divorce–January 22nd

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IT’S IN HIS KISS

     So I left you aching to know what became of my new guy, right? The guy who asked me out on New Year’s Eve and who seemed so “perfect” in so many ways. He is the epitome of consideration, kindness, good manners, and loves dogs. He’s 6’4″ tall, which is a nice match to my 5’11” height. He is exactly my age and decent looking, maybe shy a few hairs on his head, but he doesn’t try to disguise it in something hideous like a comb-over.

     What could go wrong, you might ask. The first sign came when I met him with our dogs at the park, had lunch, and went for a stroll on a balmy Southern California day. The conversation flowed, and, most importantly, his dog got along with my two!  But I guess I wasn’t feeling that “spark,” that physical chemistry.  Who can define it?

      Maybe, I figured, it was better all around if I didn’t feel passionate towards this guy. I haven’t had the best luck following my impulses where men have been concerned. Frankly, I think my “picker” is broken. Maybe it would be best to start off slow and let the sexual energy build gradually.

      We went to a movie and dinner on New Year’s Eve. We talked, we laughed, we exchanged details about our lives. So far, so good. He gave me a plant from his garden which he’d put in a beautiful pot. Along with this thoughtful gift, he’d enclosed a card. In it, he said, “Let’s take this slowly and build a solid foundation.” Wow. How many guys do you know who want to take it slowly?

      As we sat talking in his SUV, he bent over to give me a little kiss. Okay, it was awkward. I figured it was the position in which we sat in the bucket seats. Maybe, I suggested, we could try it again outside the car? So we did. And…..it was a wet kiss. One of those tongue kisses where you feel you need a towel afterwards. Ugh…I’m embarrassed to talk about it. It had never happened before. Every kiss with every man prior to this one had been effortless and natural. To make matters worse, my soon-to-be-ex husband is a GREAT kisser. That, and sex, were probably the only areas where we got along fantastically. If only we’d never gotten out of bed.. But I digress.

       I quickly made an excuse that we’d better head home before all the crazies got on the road after midnight. We said goodbye and he promised to call. Soon after I arrived home, he’d sent me an email in which he said he was so excited about the direction we were headed and that he was enjoying getting to know me more and more.

       And then, like a total moron, I did the ego embellishing woman thing: I thanked him a lovely time and told him he was a good kisser.

       What the hell was I thinking????

       Of course, he was thrilled to hear it and wanted to set up another date really soon–at his house. It didn’t sound like the kind of plan where he was trying to lure me into his lair to get laid. He’d actually carefully thought out the date to meet my specifications. He has a scooter and had asked me if I’d like to ride on it with him. I said it sounded like fun but insisted I wouldn’t ride on it in traffic or on the freeway. I suggested going to a canyon area or a more remote setting where I’d feel safer.

        He researched some canyon drives near his home, took a ride around them to find one I’d enjoy, and then invited me to join him. He also invited me to bring the dogs, and we could take them for a walk in a nearby park. Afterwards, he’d make me dinner. All he needed to know was whether I preferred filet mignon or prime rib. What a great guy!

       We were to get together a week ago Saturday. As the date grew closer, I could feel my anxiety building about the “kiss situation.” I even discussed it beforehand with a male friend. Ugh!!! Still, I decided to give him another chance. Honestly, he is a wonderful guy!

        When I drove up to his house, which is fully paid for, I was pleasantly surprised. It is in a beautiful canyon, surrounded by greenery and parks. He had decorated the place tastefully and in style–like those old canyon homes I recall from the ’60’s and ’70’s: fountains lightly trickling water, light effects to set the mood, lava lamps, and hundreds of plants both indoors and out. I felt comfortable immediately.

         We took a ride on his scooter, which is almost as large as a motorcycle, and I felt free and wild. What fun I was having!

         We came back to his house and played a game of stacking lego-like pieces until they collapsed. He offered me a smoothy he mixed up in his blender and then brought out a delicious appetizer. He put on a music DVD which was a concert of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. So far, so good. But I could feel my body language signaling him to keep his distance. I was nervous!

         We had dinner, which he prepared and served on cool stoneware. And then the moment came: He said he’d like a kiss…

         So I thought I’d try it with my mouth shut. And???? It…was… wet again. OMG.

         I made a hasty retreat soon thereafter. I knew this was not going to work. Everything about him is wonderful, but I knew I was not about to teach a guy how to kiss. If he can’t do THIS well, it doesn’t bode well for other more intimate activities.

         I discussed it at length with one of my closest friends the next day as we took a long walk with the dogs. She strongly suggested I tell him right away, instead of leading him on. He is a good guy and deserves someone who is “into” him physically.  I knew she was right.

         I came home to find an email from him saying how happy he was and that he was enjoying me more and more as he’s gotten to know me. I knew I had to let the ax fall.

        I sent him an email in which I very kindly and diplomatically explained that I’m not feeling “it” with him and that I know myself well enough to know that this type of thing can’t be forced. I offered him my friendship as I really, really DO enjoy spending time with him, but told him I’d understand if he wanted to blow me off. I offered to talk with him if we wanted to discuss this further.

        Two days passed, and then he called. He wanted to know what had gone wrong. He’d felt hurt at first, and then confused. I’d given him signs that I was feeling as positive about him as he was about me. He kept on digging for answers, and I’m not a very good liar. I asked him if he wanted to know exactly what the problem was. When he said he did, I reluctantly told him about The Kiss. Ugh!!!!

        We evaluated more specifics about kissing than I have EVER before discussed with a guy!!! I tried to explain exactly what kind of kiss turns me on–not such an easy thing to describe. And he…said he wanted to remain my friend!! I replied that I would be willing to try it as long as he understood it would never be more than a friendship. I don’t think you can change those types of feelings. It’s either there or it’s not.

         Only time will tell about how this friendship works out. He has already contacted me a couple times, including enthusiastically calling me to tell me he’d “won” an auction to get a second dog. He was so pleased with how his dog had interacted with one of my dogs that he decided to get his dog a playmate. We have talked about taking all four dogs to Dog Beach really soon.

        I don’t know about how this romantic stuff works, why it is that the guys who are the best guys aren’t the ones for whom I fall. Is it the “Good guys finish last” phenomenon? Honestly, if I could will myself to fall for this guy, I’d do it. We are so compatible in every other way. But you can’t fool Mother Nature. Deep within our bodies, pheremones or some such unconscious phenomena are dictating who turns us on and who doesn’t.

         I keep singing a couple songs: the Everly Brothers “Til I kissed ya” and the Shoop Shoop song. If you want to know if you love him so, it’s in his kiss. That’s how it is.