Going bonkers, baby
Oh yeah, now I remember what it is about dating that drives me crazy: the moodiness I feel when I don’t know how he feels. Will he call? Why isn’t he calling? Is he interested in me? Has he found someone else? And on and on and on…My head spins with doubts.
Things are so much less complicated when I’m on my own. I make plans with friends, I take care of the dogs, I go where I’m supposed to go, and I have a set schedule. A guy throws all of that out the window. I should say I throw all of that out the window when I’m thinking about what he’s thinking.
Why do I fall right back into adolescent behavior and thinking when a man enters the scene? I try so hard NOT to, but I do it every time. I tell myself I don’t care. I tell myself I will go on as if he’s not a possibility in my life, but he’s everywhere. I go with a friend to a street fair and see some clothing. I wonder if he’d like it and should I buy it to wear for him. As the weekend approaches, I’m wary about making plans with friends–just in case he should call and want to get together.
I swore I’d wait for this New Guy to make the next move. I certainly would not call him, but these days we have texting. I re-read his past texts and keep wondering what it meant when he wrote (after our first date), I hope we can get together again really soon. What’s really soon?? Wouldn’t the average woman assume that means the following weekend? And, if not, shouldn’t he have made some sort of contact in a week’s time just to let me know he’s still interested but something has come up?
So I let my head go for a nice jog–all over the places, over hills and valleys. I got into a rotten mood and felt angry at him for ME tying up my OWN plans even though he hadn’t asked. Worse, I couldn’t stand all the questions in my head anymore. I sent him a short text saying I hadn’t heard from him in a few days and wanted to know if everything was okay.
No, it hasn’t been okay. He has a mother with dementia and he recently helped his father put her in assisted living. There have been all kinds of complications, and this weekend he has to help his father relocate her.
A good excuse, no? In another text, I wish him lots of luck and wish him all the best during this difficult time. BE a sympathetic human being, for godsakes, I tell myself. This is not a relationship issue, this is a human issue.
Okay, so do I feel better now? He’s not out running around with another woman. He’s not blowing me off. He’s dealing with his sick mother, for godsakes…
No, I don’t. My head tells me he could at least have said something personal to me. He could’ve indicated he is still interested and that maybe we can plan something for NEXT weekend. Nope. Not a peep from him about that.
And all this craziness after just meeting this guy ONE time!!!!
What does this say about me? Perhaps I’m not ready for this dating business? Perhaps I should process the divorce before I go getting involved with someone new? Perhaps I should concentrate on getting my head straight and healthy for awhile?
I don’t care how old I get, how burnt out I get. I fall so quickly back into the old patterns that it’s scary even to myself.
What’s the cruel joke in all this: I liked this guy. If only he’d been a jerk…
So I’m going to walk the dogs, come home and make dinner, and then soak in a nice jacuzzi to get the kinks out of my aching body. I’ve made plans for tomorrow with a new friend. Ahhh…peace. Until?
Next week, will it all start over again?